An inch taller

I'll start 2012 with a self discovery post. In 2011, my facebook had been loaded with news and photos of my old schoolmates and acquaintances getting married, engaged, preggers, kids and another one on the way. Several times I hit the panic button. Suddenly I felt like everyone grew up but me. I’m still me – I haven’t changed. I felt old.

Then again, I have friends who are in their late 20’s / early 30’s who are still single and it made me felt younger. I felt better but also confused.

If you asked a 12 years old me, how would I describe and picture myself at 25? 12 years old me would say :- Yer, so old. Must be married la. If not married, you’re doomed.

Without realizing it, age has caught up with me and I’m now the “old” lady 12 years old Nsync craze me mentioned. I’m always the victim of peer pressure and I would make a big fuss when I was growing up. I want the Astro channels, a credit card and a phone. I held a grudge (a tiny one) towards my parents for not getting me what I want.

Looking back, it’s kind of stupid. I now have Astro to watch, two cards and a smart phone. It felt better knowing it came from my own pocket cause I earned it. *rowing back to the topic* Now a man is not something I can get by throwing tantrum, in fact I think they might stay away further *cringe*

After chatting with a friend and telling her my point of view, I came to realize I had indeed made peace with this not-having-a-husband-yet syndrome of mine. Do I want to be married now? As in, NOW. No, definitely no. I have a little more growing up to do before I can be someone’s Mrs.

Marriage is a huge step. Yanked away from my family when I had grown up in a small community close to my uncle and aunt. Being thrown into another family. CNY will never be the same again. The future yet to be known. *too much drama watching* but yeah, you get what I mean. It’s a huge commitment and I’m not ready for it – mentally. No one can frown and tell me I’m wrong cause you’re not me.

Better to be sure and get the right guy than to marry one for the sake of marrying and then suffer the consequences for the rest of my life. The important thing is – I have to be happy. Happiness is from within, not given by someone else. Happiness is something I must own, not depending on a guy or a house or a car.

Sure, I love my material things but they are temporary happiness. Am I happy with my life – what I’m doing, what values am I presenting to the people around me, am I doing anything good for the society, am I disgracing my family?

Just like the solar system, my life is supposed to be the core – the center – the sun and everything else the planets that circle around me. No guy is to take the place of the sun. Why do I keep pressing on this?

Cause I used to think that if I have a man, I WILL be happy. If I don’t, I’m a loser. Plus, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and it’s really a hopelessly hopeless romantic. I wanted a guy who can cook for me, to sing and strum the guitar under my window, give me roses and teddies, huge diamond ring, buff body etc. I continued that fantasy, that expectation until my late teens.

Then I grew up and those fantasies become crap. I realized those are superficial crap that I wanted. A good husband, a great father and open to the idea of charity and adopting pets man would be enough. I don’t need teddies or flowers or diamond ring *ok la, I want also la.. you can buy ;) *

No one can be sure of what will happen to my relationship now and few years later. Is he the one? Yet to tell. Will I be married? I dunno. When? When I’m ready but the most important part – I have to be happy.

I felt like I had been talking to myself but this is what a blog is for right? Jot down bits of thoughts. I’m going around in circles – beating the bushes. Conclusion – I don’t think I will hit the panic button this year. I’m happy for my friends but it’s not my time yet. When it is, I will know. Single or double, it doesn’t matter as long as I live my life with integrity filled with values.

12 years old me, you thought you were gonna marry JC Chasez. That didn’t happen. Therefore, I’m not doomed either.